The Moments in Between
by CreativelyCreating
Summary: Spock could not blamed for his curiosity. How was he to know what the effects of a true mind meld with Jim would be or the consequences? Before they had read Spock Prime's journal, he didn't even know it could be possible. (K/S)


In the two weeks that Captain James Kirk had been off-ship, Spock discovered something most peculiar. He...objected to Jim's absence.

It was an unsettling discovery.

Due to Federation mandates to protect the space sector, each species aboard the Enterprise was mandated to take leave at specified intervals based on their physiology to optimize their physical and mental wellbeing. Spock was treated as a Vulcan and, therefore, only had to take a one-week leave every seven years as opposed to humans who had to take a two-week leave every two years. This two-week period could be taken at intervals or all at once depending on individual preference. Due to the high volume of missions and relatively new responsibility of captaincy aboard the Enterprise, Jim was forced to take the full term directly by Starfleet command.

Nothing of particular remark or difficulty occurred in Jim's absence. By all standards, the Enterprise carried on in an efficient and controlled manner. Spock, as First Officer, assumed command and the days passed smoothly if slowly. And yet, for all mechanisms in place to make the ship run in an orderly fashion, there was something decidedly disagreeable about Jim's time away.

He had overheard the younger officers, namely Lieutenant Sulu and Ensign Chekov, remark how strange the ship felt without Jim. It was calming to Spock to learn others had noticed. When the hour neared for Jim's return, Spock felt the need to retire to his quarters and meditate to re-center himself. It was unbefitting of the First Officer of the Enterprise, for a Vulcan, to experience what he could only name as anticipation for the Captain's return, even if they were now friends.

It was, therefore, a surprise when his session was interrupted by a cursory knock at his door before a careless Jim Kirk overrode his lock and walked into his quarters with an easy, ready smile. Extending his long limbs, Spock unfolded himself gracefully to his full height.

"Hello, Captain," Spock said, pleased his voice betrayed none of his curiosity.

"Hey, Spock," Kirk greeted him warmly.

Spock looked at him for a long moment before feeling compelled to speak, "Welcome back. It was my belief I would see you tomorrow on the bridge."

"Thanks. I couldn't wait until tomorrow, though. I got you something," Jim's eyes narrowed mischievously.

Spock tilted his head in question, "Captain?"

"I had to sneak it aboard, so make sure no one seeks, ok?" Jim smiled extra hard before revealing the hand he had been hiding behind his back.

"Produce is not allowed on the Enterprise, Captain," Spock informed him.

Kirk's smile faltered, "Yeah, I know. I just thought you might appreciate them."

"I do," Spock conceded with a slight incline of his head.

Jim scratches the back of his head uncomfortably, "I thought they might make you happy."

Spock looked at Jim with inscrutable eyes, "I am mandated by protocol to turn this in for termination."

Jim heaved a small sigh and forced a smile, "Well, it's been nice to see you, Spock. I'll just leave them here and you can decide if you want to get rid of them."

Spock watched Jim place the item on his desk before retreating. He glanced between Jim's back and the ruby red spheres. Though it was against Federate regulations, Spock would not get rid of them.

It was a most unexpected and most cherished gift. Strawberries had been his mother's favorite fruit.

iIiIiI

Since the destruction of Vulcan, Spock had felt emotions which he could neither stop nor control. Even now, years later, they bubbled under the surface beneath the veneer of perfect control. There were familiar ones – anger, sadness and frustration. And there were relatively new ones as well - loneliness, fear...joy. His inability to control them had all but destroyed his relationship with Nyota. To her utter credit, she had exhibited more logic than him and asked if he needed their relationship to be put on hold when it was clear he was unable to be present in the way she desired. He had felt regret that night, but knew it was the most logical means of preventing her further pain when he could not bring himself to stop her from leaving his quarters even when tears trailed down her face.

That had been five months ago.

It had been his favorite quality in Nyota, her composure, which had seen them through the early difficult period of their separation with grace and dignity. Not once did she bring up the matter, choosing instead to perform her duties admirably with no detectable outward resentment. For his part, Spock had behaved most illogically.

Unable to control the teeming emotions within himself, he had resorted to distraction. He had never done such a thing, not even as a child. Yet, to his demoralization and embarrassment, he found himself dining with Captain Kirk even when Doctor McCoy was with him. And, after a particularly difficult and sleepless night, he had asked the Captain to teach him the Earth game chess.

He had quieted his uneasy mind by focusing instead on the almost unending babble that he could depend on Jim for. For that was who the Captain was to Spock now - Jim, his colleague and closest friend. After the events with Khan, there had been no other option.

The morning following Jim's return, Spock made sure to stride past the Captain's quarters at the usual time he could be expected to leave them. That is, a minute before they were expected on bridge. When he did not show even after Spock waited more than was prudent, Spock was forced to walk away and enter the bridge twenty-seven seconds past his start time.

It was the first time he had ever been late.

"Are you feeling well, Mr. Spock?" Captain Kirk eyed him from his Captain's chair, seemingly pausing from looking at this touchpad.

"Yes, Captain," Spock responded automatically and strode to his station. "Apologies for my delay."

"Not at all," Jim responded with a smile. He turned away from his First Officer and started providing directions to Sulu. Their next mission was an easy one – establishing contact with an evolving society in a new sector of the galaxy.

As Spock listened to Jim's steady voice, he recognized the emotion that burned at his chest as he tried to ignore the surprised looks at his tardiness - relief.

iIiIiI

Later that evening, Spock took his customary seat to the left of Captain Kirk in the dining hall.

"Stop it, Bones," Jim chided his Chief Medical Office when Spock joined them.

"More than two? My God, Jim," Bones grinned at the Captain. Directing his eyes at Spock, the doctor sighed dramatically, "Some people have all the luck, Spock."

Spock glanced between the innocent look Jim was attempting to portray and Doctor McCoy's disbelieving and impressed face. To Spock's confusion, Jim focused decidedly on his food and ignored both of them.

"Were they blond?" Doctor McCoy pressed.

"Bones," Jim said in a warning tone.

"Fine, fine," his CMO lifted his hands in a sign of defeat, "keep your secrets. I'll see you later. I have to go sign in the new medical supplies Scotty beamed in."

Pausing while the Captain watched his friend depart, Spock took a small bite of food. When it was clear the Captain was no longer preoccupied, Spock spoke, "Captain, may I request a game of chess this evening if you are not too tired?"

Jim gave him that easy smile of his, "Sure thing. I can bring my set to your room later."

"I was rather hoping we could play in yours," Spock responded.

"Yeah, that's fine," and to Jim's benefit, he only paused for .35 seconds before responding to Spock's unusual request.

iIiIiI

"My quarters are too warm to keep them," Spock said by way of explanation when they found themselves in the privacy of Jim's quarters post dinner.

Jim shrugged off his outer coat and looked questioningly at Spock, "Hmm?"

"The strawberries," Spock said in a low voice.

"Oh," Jim's eyes lit up and searched him. "Did you bring them?"

"Yes."

"Where are they then?" Jim pressed. He was sure they were not on Spock's neat figure.

Spock cleared his throat and studied the far wall, which housed an ancient poster of an Earth motorcycle, "In your refrigerator."

Jim blinked at him in surprise before rushing to the machine next to his desk. He found them there on the second shelf as shiny and neat as their owner.

Jim couldn't help the surprised, impressed laugh that escaped him, "How did you get these in here?"

Spock walked calmly to stand next to Jim and peered at the happy fruit, "I had hoped to convince you this morning before we reached our stations, but you were otherwise indisposed."

"So you broke in here!" Jim reached out a hand and clutched Spock's arm without thinking.

"As your second in command, I too have the privilege of being able to override your locking mechanism," Spock said and took a polite step back to afford them a little more distance.

Jim laughed again and ran a hand through his hair, thoroughly ruffling it to unruliness, "Call it what you want, but you definitely broke into my room to stash contraband."

Spock gave him a sideways glance, "Captain, that would be most illogical."

"Is that Vulcan for you would blame it on me if we get caught? Spock, you dog," Jim said.

He looked nothing short of impressed as he moved to set up their game. It had been a bit of a surprise when Spock had approached him and asked to teach him to play. At the time, their relationship had been so tentative that Jim had practically jumped at the opportunity to have something more in common with the intimidating, detached Vulcan than their job. Jim has not even really known how to play at the time. The day Spock asked, though, Jim spent hours learning the strategy of the game, which had been sufficient to help him win one of the three games they played that first night.

Carefully, Jim moved the set slightly off-center to make room for the strawberries, "Bring them over here."

Spock bent lithely and cradled the fruit in his hands carefully, like a treasure, "I appreciate you not being upset with my actions."

"Are you kidding? This is way better than them spoiling in your room. Seriously, Spock, it's like a furnace," Jim said.

Spock pressed his lips together. This was a constant topic of conversation between them as they usually played in the privacy of his rooms. Jim often complained about the temperature but always refused when Spock offered to make it cooler for his benefit. It was…confusing.

"I have made you aware no less than twenty-seven times that due to my Vulcan physiology, I prefer higher temperatures than you are accustomed to, Captain," Spock said as he took his seat across from him.

"Jim," the Captain gave him a vaguely annoyed look. "We've talked about this."

Spock nodded and offered him a strawberry, "I apologize, Jim. Would you like one?"

Jim grinned and grabbed it from his hand. The pad of his finger brushed softly again Spock's palm and for less than a second Spock caught thoughts of warmth and dust. Spock's eyes narrowed with curiosity. Jim's thought was most familiar.

When Jim started the game, however, Spock was too distracted to pursue the matter further. Jim was ruthless. He had a sharp, dangerous mind and he was incurably competitive. Though he was never a sore loser, Spock knew it bothered him when Spock bested him. Playing chess with Jim was like fighting a battle.

Spock found it exhilarating.

"Check," Spock couldn't help but smile.

Jim looked over the board like a caged predator. Finding a way out, he moved his rook in from of his King. He took a bite of his strawberry while Spock took a moment to think and wrapped his full lips over the base of the fruit. When he bit down, the ripe juice coated his mouth and a slight bit trailed down his chin. He caught the liquid deftly with his finger and sucked the liquid away. Spock looked away quickly. It felt indecent to watch.

A moment after he realized the move Spock was about to make, Jim cursed, "Shit, Spock. Don't do it."

Spock raised an eyebrow and locked eyes with him, "Check mate, Jim."

Jim allowed his head to fall heavily into his hands and blew a breath between his lips, "I should have known you were gonna catch that."

"Yes," Spock agreed.

Jim rolled his eyes and extended his hand, "Good game, Spock."

Spock glanced down at his outstretched hand and was going to remind the Captain Vulcans did not like to be touched when he remembered Jim's earlier stray thought. Clutching Jim's hand, Spock first felt contentedness. Then a competitive edge and unease at having lost. Behind those emotions, however, there were thoughts of the new Vulcan Academy of Science and of biodomes with fresh produce.

"Where did you get the strawberries?" Spock asked still holding on to Jim's hand.

Jim shifted his eyes to the left, "On my vacation on Earth. You know that."

"Do you lie to me often?" Spock was simply curious.

Jim looked down at their hands and then back at Spock's face, "Do you try to read my mind often?"

Caught, Spock took his hand back but continued to stare at Jim, "Why were you in New Vulcan, Captain?"

"How many times to I have to remind you to call me Jim?" Jim lithely changed the subject.

Rather than answer, Spock's eyes traced Jim's face as if they were trying to find something there.

"Why were you in New Vulcan, Jim?" he repeated.

"Captain, can you hear me?" the communicator at Jim's hip interrupted them. "You are needed at the bridge, over."

"Be right there, over," Jim spoke into the communicator and then looked at Spock with raised eyebrows. "Duty calls. See you later Spock."

"Speak with you soon," Spock said and it sounded like a promise.

iIiIiI

"You're not going to let this drop, are you?" Jim stared at Spock as he said across from him in Spock's rooms.

To his credit, Spock had not brought it up since their last game four nights ago, but Jim could tell it was bothering him. There was a tenseness around his shoulders and his dark eyes would narrow at odd times when Spock regarded him. It was uncomfortable for Jim to be able to tell there was something off without addressing it.

"No, Jim," Spock replied, though neither had mentioned the subject of their discussion.

Jim shook his head and leaned his head against the wall he was sitting at, "The Other Spock left me something after he passed away that I hadn't had time to pick up. So, I figured it was as good time as any to go and get it."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"A journal," Jim responded. "It was just a journal. It was kept by the Council for safekeeping until I could pick it up."

"A journal?" Spock prodded.

"Yep," Jim answered. After it became clear Spock was waiting for him to speak, he continued, "It was just his personal journal. It's nothing, really, just his perspective and chronicles of what happened in his other life. It mentions me a lot. I think – I think he just didn't want the memories to disappear."

Spock considered this for a moment, like he was turning Jim's words in his mind and inspecting them, "Did he mention the strawberries?"

Jim nodded eagerly and opened the top drawer of his desk, "Yeah, he mentioned they were his favorite."

Gently, Jim retrieved an old, leather bound journal and brought it to Spock. It was unusual in that it was a physical book rather than a computer log. Paper was very uncommon and this particular journal so old that the pages were delicate and frayed in some places. The script that covered every available space was a small and neat. Every word, even after all this time, was written in dark, black ink and was completely legible.

Spock's long fingers were as gentle as a breath when they took the book from Jim. He studied the plain cover and lifted it softly to the first page. The first page of Spock Prime's journal detailed a bothersome test with a frustrating new recruit – James Tiberius Kirk. To Spock Prime's disapproval and confusion, the young cadet had reprogrammed the Kobayashi Maru simulation from unwinnable so that it was possible to rescue the freighter.

Spock's eyes found Jim's. The Captain grinned at him, "I guess the other me wasn't so different."

Spock's eyes returned to the script and he continued reading. Jim afforded him quiet while Spock read. He laid down on his bed and closed his eyes and waited patiently for Spock to say something.

Spock all but devoured the contents of the journal. His eyebrows furrowed here and there as he took in the similarities and differences between Spock Prime's life and his own. It was a strange experience to read something in print that mirrored his own by a version of his own hand that had lived an entirely different life. There was no mention of a romantic relationship with Nyota in Spock Prime's writing, though there was page after page of conversations and adventures with Captain Kirk. There was a freedom to the pattern of Spock Prime's mind that Spock did not recognize in his own.

Pausing midway through the journal, Spock re-read a line he surely had misinterpreted. He read it again. And again.

"What is it?" Jim sat up from his resting place and looked at Spock with concern.

Spock shook his hand, "I believe Spock Prime used imprecise language in his description."

Jim rolled his eyes in shook his head, "That would be like you using imprecise language, Spock – highly unlikely and I'm pretty sure impossible."

Spock walked to Jim and sat next to him on his bed. His finger pointed to the line in question and he leaned close to the Captain so he could read, "He describes a mind meld with the other you here, but that cannot be."

Jim leaned in and read alongside Spock, "Why not?"

Spock searched for the right words, "Vulcans can read the thoughts of others, their emotions, can even transfer their own via touch telepathy. Yet, to mind meld is another thing altogether. It is…a deeply personal act. Not all Vulcans can achieve it even with other Vulcans. I am certain what he describes must have been something other than a true mind meld."

"I find that unlikely," Jim disagreed. "The Other Spock did that with me before – well, before I compromised you after Delta Vega."

"You are mistaken, Jim. He showed you his feelings, allowed you to see part of his mind as you have described to me before. To mind meld is something else entirely. It is a complete acceptance of another into your mind and a total acceptance from them as well. I have only ever read of it, but it is described as a flow of all that comprises you with all that comprises the other – thoughts, emotions, memories, hopes and desires," Spock handed Jim the journal and stood with his hands behind his back. "It's not likely with a human."

Against his better judgement, Jim groused under Spock's tone, "What does being a human have anything to do with it?"

"You are psi null," Spock said as if that explained everything.

Jim stood up and squared his shoulders, "Alright, let's try it then."

Spock looked scandalized. Which is to say, Spock raised both eyebrows and frowned the tips of his lips.

"No," Spock said and took a step back.

"Come on, Spock. You said it yourself – it probably won't work anyway. Aren't you even a little curious?" Jim goaded. If there was anything Jim knew about Spock was that he was incurably curious.

Spock searched for a way to make Jim understand, "You are inviting me to know every recess of your mind. Once joined, I would have access to every memory no matter how small, no matter how unpleasant, and you would be unable to stop me. If you tried to pull away, it would hurt not only me but yourself. To try and break a mind meld is said to be incredibly violent and dangerous to both parties."

Jim shrugged, "Ok, so I won't try to break it. As long as you agree you won't judge me for what you see in there. I have done my fair share of stupid shit."

Spock considered Jim for a long time totally inscrutably. Jim wasn't sure what tipped him off, but something changed about Spock that told him he had won.

"You will likely need much rest after this," Spock warned him.

Jim grinned in victory, "Not a problem. I don't have to be back at the bridge until late morning tomorrow."

"You must not struggle if we do this. It is full acceptance or I may be unable to control it," Spock's fingers clenched into a fist.

"Spock, you can control anything you want. I trust you. I won't struggle," Jim spoke slowly, trying not to scare him off.

"You are certain of this?" Spock's eyes were tense and full of warning.

Jim couldn't help it; he rolled his eyes. Spock was just so serious all the time.

"Yeah, this will be educational," he said. "Do we need to be sitting down or something?"

Spock shook his head, "I am not certain. I have read before that both parties should be well anchored to each other. I saw a drawing once, but the parties appeared to be standing."

"Well, sitting doesn't sound anchored to me. Maybe we stand like the photo and see what happens?" Jim asked.

Spock watched Jim with a deathly serious gaze until he seemed to reach a decision. Spock nodded and then did something that caught Jim utterly by surprise – he took a certain step forward and wrapped a strong arm around Jim's waist. He secured Jim to his body until there was no space between them from belly to feet. Then, he brought his right hand up until three fingers hovered above Jim's face. He paused and searched Jim's eyes.

"Are you certain?" Spock's voice was low and serious.

Jim's eyes widened with mirth and he nodded, "Let's see if we can give this thing a go."

"Wrap your arms around me, Jim," Spock commanded.

Following instructions, Jim snaked his arms around his First Officer and rested his hands on his broad back, "Feeling well anchored?"

"I am not sure," Spock admitted.

Jim took a deep breath, "Alright, do it."

Spock's fingers were positively vibrating and, when they finally touched Jim's face, he gasped. It felt like drowning.

It felt like a river was trying to burn its way into his head and he couldn't come up for air. There was so _much_ of Spock everywhere, extending into him and covering him. Jim wanted desperately to swim above the rush of him, but somehow amidst the confusion and violence of having Spock inside of him he remembered a stray thought like a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

He shouldn't struggle.

He should accept Spock, all of Spock, have access to Spock and give Spock access to himself. With a deep mental breath, he relaxed his mind against the ambush Spock was currently leading on him. It felt like he was being conquered, definitively and forcefully. Spock was all unrestrained power, which even under attack surprised Jim. He tasted like brown liquor and honey, but he felt like lightning. Jim's mind felt burned and clean with the power of him.

And then, like a tide settling, he felt like could breathe again.

He realized then that he had literally come up for air in a bath tub that he instinctively knew was disapproved of by other Vulcans. Above him, Spock's mother smiled at him and gently used a container to pour more warm water over his head. Then, the next moment, he was following her during a long walk that he knew they would take alone without Spock's father inthe late evening when her human skin would not burn under the intensity of Vulcan's suns. Then, she was in front of him, telling him that she would always be proud of him – no, not of him, of Spock regardless of where he chose to go.

Then, it was Spock as a cadet then as an instructor watching a pretty cadet with dark hair and ready smile exceed his expectations. And then Jim found himself in Spock's mind with full disapproval of his cockiness and hubris, his stupidity in not seeing the value of a no-win scenario. He felt the fury Spock experienced when he made Spock lose control aboard the Enterprise and the desolation that enveloped Spock when Spock watched him die. The utter relentless, violent joy Spock felt when Khan's blood was used to bring Jim back took whatever breath he had been able to catch with it.

He felt the exhilaration Spock felt during the more rousing for their chess wars and, at last, was able to feel Spock standing in front of him now. He could feel his long legs and muscled belly, could sense their hips pushed together and their clasped arms. He could feel the delicious burn of those fingers against his face.

Then there was a vision again, but this time it was of a delicious burn of another kind. There was a beautiful redhead on her knees, mouth wrapped around him making him feel like he would collapse. Like he had collapsed the night before when he had gotten into a fight with her boyfriend after he had walked into the bar in Iowa and caught him with his tongue down her throat. That night had been beautiful, so warm, and there had been so many stars.

He remembered the flat planes of his childhood covered in corn still not ready for the fall harvest. He saw his own mom flashing him a smile and caught the tail end of some of their constant fights. Then, he felt the purr of the engine underneath his fingers when he drove Frank's most precious possession off that fucking cliff when his mom was off-planet. He saw himself get sent to juvey, then joining Starfleet, meeting Spock, watching Spock. Felt Spock kicking his ass, then saw Spock kissing Uhura and at the same time relived his surprise at seeing the Vulcan display any type of emotion. At long last, he saw his friend put his hand against his across the glass as he felt himself dying.

Then, there was memory after memory of them dining together, of long evenings and shared conversations overs chess, there were strawberries and Jim's lips around the tip of the of the fruit like that other brunette's had been around him in his Academy dormitory. And though Jim felt himself wishing Spock wouldn't see, wouldn't feel what was coming next, he didn't know how to stop it.

Thankfully, just before the moment when he sank into her, Spock began pulling out of him. He slowly, carefully started unthreading their minds and Jim felt himself protesting at the loss. Like a final sip of a favorite drink, Spock went through him before Jim opened his eyes and was on his own with Spock's fingers lingering above his face once again.

They were both breathing like they had run a race and Jim understood now whey they needed to be holding each other. Utterly exhausted, Jim let his forehead drop against Spock's. The Vulcan's lips parted at the skin to skin contact, feeling the after effect that Jim was experiencing in his own mind.

"Jim, I think we should sit," Spock's voice was gravely and his throat felt dry and sore.

Jim blinked at him with unfocused eyes, "You feel like a war, Spock."

Separating them, Spock took Jim gently by the arm and led him to sit on his bed, "Come, sit. I will get you water."

He went to the replicator and brought back a cold glass of water which he handed to Jim. Jim's fingers were clumsy and water spilled from his mouth when finally found the strength to drink. When he was done, Jim handed Spock the glass. Their fingers brushed and a quick exhale escaped Spock.

"Did you feel all of that?" Jim wanted to be sure it wasn't only him that was feeling empty and so full all at once.

Spock sat next to him and studied his face for signs of pain, "Yes. It was most overwhelming."

Jim closed his eyes and nodded slowly, "Overwhelming is a good word. Does it always feel so good?"

Spock's breathing was still erratic, "I do not know."

Jim's eyes traced over Spock's hungrily, seeking confirmation that it wasn't just him that felt like he might combust. He brought his own psi null fingers to rest on Spock's cheek and grabbed Spock's hand to bring his fingers back up to his own face. An involuntary cry escaped Spock when their fingers met and he instinctively pulled his hand back.

"They are sensitive," Spock admitted, but Jim was unsure if the cry was pleasure or pain.

Much like he was unsure if he was feeling was pleasure or pain.

"Do it again, Spock," Jim licked his lips and pressed those sensitive fingers to his face.

Spock looked lost but allowed his fingers to touch Jim. This time, it didn't feel like drowning. It felt like wave after wave kissing a shoreline. And that thought alone was enough for Jim to feel Nyota's lips under his own and then Gaila's soft body under him, urging him to go deeper, harder. He felt when Spock experienced Gaila biting his lower lip in tandem.

He could feel Spock all around him – could feel his intelligence, his generosity, his affection for Jim and his confusion by him. Then, there was that untangling again and Jim whispered _don't go_, or thought he did, and it was enough for him to know that Spock heard him when he felt him hesitate. With as much care as before, Spock untangled them, and this time when Jim came back to himself Spock was across the room from him trying desperately to control his breathing.

"Don't ask me to do it again. Not so soon," Spock said and Jim realized he had never heard Spock plead before.

"Ok, ok," Jim said to placate him. Spock looked like he was ready to bolt.

Those dark eyes searched his face over and over again, "Are you unwell?"

Jim shook his head and licked his overly dry lips, "No, I feel exhausted but I don't feel sick."

"Your pupils are dilated, your breathing is erratic and your heart rate is accelerated," Spock informed him, entirely unconvinced Jim was telling him the truth.

"I feel," Jim searched for the right word. "I feel like I'm buzzing. I feel like I'm drunk."

Spock nodded in understanding, "I too feel similarly."

"You look like you want to run away," Jim said and allowed his back to settle against the board of his bed.

Spock's fingers clenched, "I am disoriented. My usual control is in disarray. And I am afraid that if we try that again so soon I may hurt you."

"Go then," Jim said.

"I do not want to leave you so soon after…such an act," Spock struggled to convey that it felt wrong to leave Jim alone to deal with this, when Spock knew his human mind would be unable to make sense of what they had experienced on its own.

Jim felt his eyelids droop and watched Spock as if he was the only thing in the room, "I want to do that again and you're freaking out that I will ask you to. So, since I'm clearly out of my depth here and you know better than me, I think you should do what your instinct is telling you and go."

"That is logical," Spock said but did not move.

"Go, Spock," Jim said gently and watched in half-relief as Spock gave him a final look and walked out of his room with quick steps.

Jim couldn't help his hand trailing low and opening his pants. In his addled state, he couldn't help that he thought of that liquor mind, of those dark eyes, of the way he now knew Spock's lips could move against someone else's. He couldn't help but feel the pleasure Spock had felt, that they had felt together, when Jim's body experienced release. Couldn't help his back arching or that he called out Spock's name when he reached release now.

iIiIiI

"Are we ok?" Jim knew it was inappropriate but couldn't help but ask when Spock joined him in the turbolift the next day.

Spock reached a hand past Jim and paused the turbolift. He studied Jim's face and his eyes trailed over the spot where his fingers had been the night before. His mouth was in that hard line they had when he was concerned about something and his brows were furrowed. It was outstandingly expressionate for Spock.

Jim reached out and smoothed that furrow with his thumb without thinking. Spock's fingers latched around his wrist and separated Jim's hand from his face.

"You cannot do that here, Captain," Spock said.

Regaining a bit of himself, Jim grinned, "I'm not trying to meld with you right now Spock. I just want to know if we're ok."

"Are you well?" Spock ignored him in favor of asking.

"Yeah," Jim reassured him. "I slept no less than eleven hours. I woke up really thirsty and really hungry, but I had a good breakfast and I feel almost back to normal now."

"Almost," Spock pressed with concern.

Jim allowed a yawn to escape him, "I'm still a little tired, but I feel fine. Don't go all Vulcan on me and shut down when I don't really understand what happened."

Those words seem to work some magic on Spock and he nodded, "I will not. We are fine, Jim."

"Good," Jim grinned.

"May I come by your quarters this evening?" Spock asked.

"Sure you can," Jim told him.

Spock gave him a small nod and then set the turbolift moving again.

iIiIiI

"First thing's first," Jim told Spock when they were finally alone late into the evening. "I will not ask you to do that again since we're both a little raw from whatever it is that that was."

Jim had all day to contemplate and remember the way Spock felt inside his mind. It was intoxicating. So intoxicating that he had completely forgotten himself after Spock left his room. The last thing Jim wanted was to drive Spock off the metaphorical cliff by having him see just how consuming Jim had found him.

"I feel the need to apologize, Captain," Spock said formally. "I should have never attempted something so carelessly that I am so little versed in, particularly not when it involves the space of your mind. I am ashamed of my behavior."

"Woah, woah, woah," Jim raised his hands in a sign of surrender. "You have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one that pushed you to go for it even though you were clearly uncomfortable with the idea."

Spock avoided his eyes, "You did not know what you were asking."

"Neither did you," Jim insisted. "You said it yourself – you have only ever read about this stuff. Plus, you were under the impression that this wouldn't even be possible for us. How were you to know what was going to happen?"

"We both read Spock Prime's journal. He described the mind meld," Spock's tone was clipped with tension.

Jim shook his head in disbelief, "Oh come on, Spock. You and I both know that what the Other Spock described doesn't even hold a candle to what we experienced. There was absolutely no way for you to know it would feel how it felt."

"I was taught as a young child that this is something that could happen, was taught of the sanctity of seeking out a bond like this, and yet I proceeded recklessly without full consideration of you or any lasting effects," Spock stood and paced the room in agitation.

Jim followed after him and stopped him by putting his hands on Spock's shoulders, "You did nothing wrong and I absolutely do not regret it. Do you understand?"

Spock frowned but nodded.

"Ok, good," Jim said, letting his hands drop. "We just won't do it again."

Spock's frown deepened.

"If that is what you wish," Spock agreed tersely.

"Yeah, right. Would you like to play chess?" Jim asked trying to change the subject.

"Not tonight, Captain," Spock responded.

And it was a fucking horrible feeling when the doors closed after him and Jim was alone in his room with a head full of nothing but Spock.

iIiIiI

"What I want and what I think we should do are two very different things," Jim said when he cornered Spock in his quarters two weeks later.

He was tired of the way Spock was avoiding spending the evenings with him. He was tired of having to pretend like everything was back to normal when they weren't speaking like before or sharing jokes like they used to. Even before experiencing all of Spock, having this half version of him would have been unpleasant. Now, it was intolerable.

Spock sat his datapad on his desk and regarded Jim impassively, "We will not meld again per your wish, Captain."

Jim ran an agitated hand through his hair, "Stop saying things you don't mean."

"I will not violate your desire to not mind meld again. This is not a lie," Spock's tone was dark and angry.

"I know that, but you're saying it like we're not doing it because I said we can't. You apologized to me and basically told me you didn't want to," Jim said and even to him his words didn't make full sense.

Spock regarded him impassively but said nothing. He was as stoic as ever and not being able to read him after having all of him made Jim want to shake him.

"Don't do that," Jim frowned and took a step forward.

Spock rose from his chair at the perceived threat, "I am doing nothing."

"Exactly," Jim was face to face with him. "Stop that. I know you feel things."

"Of course I have feelings, Jim," Spock was standing rod straight, like he didn't trust himself. "I have just found out that a metaphysical connection is possible and I, like you, felt you in my own mind. You do not hold the singular right to be confused at this moment."

"I didn't say I was the only one that could be confused," Jim snarled. "I'm simply asking you not to be a total dick and shut me out."

"Leave my quarters, Captain," Spock demanded.

"No."

Spock's lips were a fine, furious line, "Leave."

When Jim didn't give, Spock brought his hand up to grasp Jim's arm. Jim's hand shot out and caught his wrist out of instinct and the effect was immediate. Though he himself couldn't feel what was happening, he could see it play across Spock's eyes. And Jim figured that even if this wasn't ideal, it was better than Spock shoving him out of his room.

So, he let him. He let Spock feel the arousal, the confusion, the desire. Let him have the memory of him pleasuring himself after their meld. Let Spock feel his fear and let him have the mess of his emotions and turmoil.

"Please don't shut me out," Jim breathed out.

Those words defeated Spock.

He retrieved his wrist from Jim but stayed where he was.

Jim looked behind him at their usual seats, "Let's just talk, or play a game or anything."

So, they did. They played an unusually quiet bout that Jim somehow won. When they finished, they put the pieces away quietly and Spock walked Jim to his door. Before Jim could exit, however, Spock placed his fingers around Jim's wrist and stayed there for a long time until he got the confirmation he needed.

"Good night, Captain," Spock said and he was so close that Jim felt his breath on his cheek.

"Good night, Spock."

iIiIiI

Two months later, Spock broke their uneasy truce.

"I would like to try again, Jim," Spock said into the quiet of Jim's room.

Jim closed the Other Spock's journal with a snap, "Absolutely not."

Spock said nothing but stared at him until Jim couldn't hold back, "I am not doing this for you to go full Vulcan on me and disappear again."

"I am here, Jim," Spock splayed his fingers out as if to prove his point.

"Don't Jim me now that there's something you want," Jim gritted out. "You've only been acting normal, for what, the last three weeks? I am not going back to you closing down and pushing me out. I would rather have this like it is now than have no friendship at all."

Spock reached out to grab Jim's wrist and Jim pulled it back, "And stop doing that. You don't get to just look into my mind when I have no idea what is going on in yours."

Spock pulled his hands neatly behind his back and looked impassively at Jim's flustered face. He had no doubt this was difficult for him to understand. He also knew that his own behavior was to blame in Jim shying away from him now. Unable to control the intensity of emotions that followed their meld, Spock was forced to retreat into himself. Prolonged exposure to Jim and his exuberance was a danger to Spock. Each smile, frown, gesture of frustration a reminder of how distinct Jim's mind had felt in his own. Each curious look a reminder of the confused desire he had felt from Jim all those weeks ago.

Jim was like a hammer. Or a missile.

There was nothing gentle about him and the passion of his emotions. Nothing was by halves and to someone like himself, so unaccustomed to volatility, their meld had left Spock feeling raw. More so, it left him feeling reckless.

For the first time in his life, he knew what it felt like to laugh so fully you could not breathe. He knew what the sun felt like in Iowa in the middle of Summer. He felt the pressure of living up to a father figure so mythical that it threatened to swallow up the very real, living Jim. He knew first hand that when Jim was engaged by someone his attention was singular and focused. And he now knew what it meant to burn with passion and knew that Jim had felt that for him.

He was entirely unequipped to deal with all of this turmoil.

Or with the new myriad of emotions that came all on their own – possessiveness and jealousy. He found it distasteful when Jim's attention was focused on someone else. And the flirting, the constant flirting that Jim did like breathing with him and nearly everyone else, made Spock want to slam him against a wall and beg him to stop. He wanted to reach into his mind and simply let Jim see what he was feeling.

It was so illogical, so irrational, and it made Spock afraid.

It took him months to calm himself until he felt composed enough to propose another attempt. There was still so much to explore. He wanted to know if Jim and he could achieve clear communication as it was said in the old texts was possible. He wanted to know if they could sync their mind waves and the rhythms of their bodies, so that one could draw strength from the other at trying times. He wanted to discover if their own lives would be extended in unison if they developed a strong enough bond.

These were the myths Vulcans did not dare whisper. He wanted so desperately to plunge ahead and discover the depths that they could achieve. But not without Jim's permission and absolutely not without his desire for the same thing.

"Besides," Jim plunged on when it became obvious Spock was not going to say anything, "Uhura would cut my balls off."

"Lieutenant Uhura and I are not romantically linked," Spock said when he realized Jim was under a misimpression.

That took the sails out of Jim's anger, "What – since when?"

"Seven months and twenty-two days," Spocks said methodically.

Jim frowned, "And you didn't tell me? Spock, you're my best friend."

"I apologize, Captain. This is my first time having a best friend. I am not versed in the complexities of expected communication between two parties," Spock looked down in the hopes Jim would not see the distinct flush that covered his cheeks at his proclamation.

"Did you break up with her?" Then, a gasp. "Did she break up with you?"

Spock nodded.

"But why?" Jim asked, his voice full of confusion.

It was ridiculous to think that Uhura and Spock had broken up and literally no one had been able to tell. They had continued to behave exactly the same, though now that he thought about it, it probably explained all the late evenings Spock was able to spend with him without arising any sort of attention.

Spock regarded him with his usual serious face but Jim could see the humor in his eyes, "I believe I went full Vulcan on her."

"I'm sorry," Jim said after a moment. "I shouldn't have said that. And I'm sorry you two broke up. That must have not been easy."

Spock gave him the benefit of a tiny smile, "It was easier to experience with the distraction of a friend."

Jim grinned, "So you used me. If I hadn't had you in my head, I wouldn't know you could be so devious, Spock."

"Think of all the more you could discover," Spock pressed lightly.

Jim narrowed his eyes, "Definitely devious. Let's drop this for now, ok? Let's just play a game and you can tell me about Uhura storming away."

"Nyota would never storm away from me," Spock said, but he was already moving to set up the game. If he couldn't have Jim the way he wanted him, he would take him how he could get him.

Besides, he could be patient. Conquests were rarely won in a day.

iIiIiI

"Is he ok, Bones?" Spock could hear the worry in Jim's voice, though he felt entirely disoriented. Or perhaps, he sensed worry through the hand that currently held his own.

"Go sit on that table, Jim," Doctor McCoy directed him with a stern tone. "I need you patched up and out of the way."

Spock felt the warmth of Jim's hand leave his own and felt a needle pierce his neck. He was unable to hear the explanation Jim was providing before the anesthesia made him lose consciousness.

When he awoke, his eyes felt heavy. He tried to sit up and Jim was at his side at once. His uniform was creased and his blue eyes were red rimmed with exhaustion. Jim's left arm was in a protective sling and there was a small, red scar above one of his eyebrows. His bottom lip was split and swollen.

"Are you well, Captain?" Spock asked in a voice that sounded different than his own.

"I'm fine, Spock. We were able to retrieve the crew of the Voyager safely, but you were caught in the explosion of the engine before we were beamed back. I was barely able to get you. Bones said that you'll feel like hell, but you should be fine in a couple of days," Jim explained. He turned his head and called out, "Bones, he's awake."

Doctor McCoy stormed into the room armed with pain killers and a reader. He wasted no time in running the stick over Spock, searching for signs of discomfort or pain. He poked and prodded and shook his head in frustration when Spock betrayed no emotion.

"You've gotta help me out here, Spock. What hurts?" Bones demanded.

"I am fine," Spock said and attempted to dodge the doctor.

Bones frowned and turned his attention to the Captain, "Jim."

"Spock, tell him what hurts. The faster that he patches you up the faster you can be back on the bridge," Jim put a gentle hand on Spock's shoulder.

Spock could feel the warmth of his hand through the thin medical robes and derived comfort from the touch despite himself, "I believe one of my left ribs is broken and there appears to be bruising down the left side of my sternum. My head aches and my mouth is dry, though I believe that may be a secondary effect of the anesthesia you administered earlier."

"That's more like it," Bones nodded and set himself to the task of making Spock feel better.

Jim faded quietly into the corner, but he watched with careful eyes as Spock's body was forced to heal.

Later that day, at 2200 hours, Jim was given leave by Bones to escort Spock back to his quarters. Spock refused his assistance and their journey took them longer than usual. When they finally arrived, Jim overrode his lock and guided him without hesitation to his bed. To his surprise, Spock discovered he had perspired from the exercise.

"Let me get you water," Jim said.

"I am fine, Captain," Spock said and it may have been convincing if he didn't look like he was going to vomit.

Jim shook his head, "I hate it when Bones has to pump you full of drugs. Your body always reacts so negatively to them."

"Relax, Jim," Spock guided his body to sit against the headboard of his bed. He felt quite tired.

Jim stood above him and looked down at him nervously, "I read something in the Other Spock's journal about being able to heal using the mind meld. Is it true?"

Spock focused on Jim and shook his head, "I truly don't know what is possible. There are whispers of such things being possible, but I do not trust that I would be able to do it under this state. I am…distracted by discomfort."

Jim sat next to him and took Spock's hand, "We can try. If it doesn't work, no harm no foul."

Spock attempted to retrieve his hand, "I do not trust myself to attempt this now. I need to be in my full capacity to fully shield you if the need arises. Under the present circumstances, I will not risk your wellbeing."

"I'm risking my wellbeing, Spock," Jim insisted. "The Other Spock said that you have to focus on pulling energy from me when you are in my mind. According to him, the Other Me was able to give him enough energy to come back from near death."

Spock gave him a smile, "Jim, I am nowhere near death. This is not a necessary sacrifice."

"It's not a sacrifice," Jim said. "You're my friend, and I can make you feel better. If this were the other way around and I was where you are, would you make me feel better if you could?"

Spock hesitated, "Yes."

"I didn't know you were a hypocrite then," Jim provoked him.

"Your attempts will not change my mind," Spock avoided Jim's eyes and tried to still his breath. Jim's offer was too tempting and his will, in his present state, was not what it usually was.

"I am here and I'm willing. You just asked for this and here I am giving it to you. Don't you want it?" Jim asked.

Spock closed his eyes. Only Jim could wear away at his will like this. Frustrated with himself, he reached out a hand, "Com here then, Jim."

A thrill ran through Jim as he scooted closer and those long fingers came to rest on his face. It was just as wonderful as the last time, just as intense. And yet, having their last experience for comparison, Spock felt different. He felt more gentle, though his energy still burned his way into Jim. When Spock continued to parse through Jim's thoughts carefully rather than pull his energy, Jim envisioned himself pushing some of himself into Spock. His First Officer groaned at the heady sensation and the sound went through Jim like wine.

Consequently, he learned that Spock had never tasted wine and Jim remembered the taste for him to learn. Spock liked it. He liked the feel of the liquid touching Jim's tongue and slid down his throat. He enjoyed how it made Jim easy to laugh and the clumsy way Jim stripped his clothes as he fell into bed, dizzy and happy.

_Let's stay away from thoughts of bed_, Jim thought.

He could sense that Spock heard him and knew when he chose to ignore him. And really, Jim was only human. Of course he succumbed to the temptation and remembered his own hand and thoughts of Spock. Wondered at how Spock's lips would feel against his own. How those fingers might hold him, trap him.

_Jim._

Spock separated their minds gently and held Jim against him when he sagged.

"How do you feel?" Jim asked.

Spock took inventory of himself and blinked in surprise, "I feel restored."

"Good," Jim shifted his heavy weight and sank into the bed next to Spock. He felt like dead weight, "That's great."

The next time he opened his eyes, Spock was watching him with as naked an expression of wonder as Jim had ever seen on his face. His pupils were blown out in a way that made him look more alien than usual. His lips were parted and his fingers skimmed the side of Jim's head.

"I feel undone by you," Spock whispered in the darkness.

Very deliberately, Jim entangled his fingers with Spock's, threading them in and out as he had seen other Vulcans do in the depths of Spock's mind. Spock's fingers practically sang against him and Spock's breathing became more labored. Slowly, Spock reciprocated the movement and the feeling intensified.

"The sword cuts both ways," Jim told him.

Spock ran his fingers over the sensitive, inner part of Jim's wrist and took pleasure when Jim shivered, "I feel possessive of you. I am not sure if it is healthy."

Jim nodded and threaded his fingers into Spock's hair, "I am possessive of you too. How could I not be when we have what we have?"

"How indeed?" Spock agreed.

And then his own hand held Jim's head and pulled Jim to him. When their lips met, Spock brought his fingers to Jim's face so that he might feel all the things he couldn't say. Jim breathed out a pleased groan and pulled at Spock's clothes. The feel of the Vulcan's skin against his own along with the storm of emotions that Spock felt under that calm façade pulled a string of obscenities from him that only hardened Spock further. It was fucking incredible and nowhere near what he would feel that night and so many nights that followed.

Spock made him cry out in pleasure and encouragement, and his presence in Jim's mind thoroughly conquered him. That voice in his head and Spock's body above him drove him further and further from himself until he could do nothing but obey Spock's demand and come completely undone by him.

When they were done, there was none of the detachment Jim feared would drive Spock back from him. Instead, Spock stayed in his mind much after their bodies came apart. There were hours of discovery for both of them, a gentle perusal of memories and unspoken words that Jim knew he would never share with anyone else and which were reserved for the quiet moments he was determined to have with his First Officer. He might have called it love, but the word fell so woefully short of all that was now between them.

Spock was all encompassing, like a black hole, pulling him inextricably. Jim caressed his innermost thoughts, coaxed them a little at a time, basking in the increasing knowledge of things he had guessed before – that Spock was brilliant, kind and good. And of things he had never known – that Spock felt deeply, passionately and unreservedly for few things but most definitely for him.

The word T'hy'la would not be whispered out loud by them until months from that moment, but even then Spock knew they were much more than lovers. Jim was certain that they would always be so much more than friends.

The next day and the weeks that followed carried on in much the same way as before, so that it took months before the crew became aware of their irrevocably changed relationship. Thankfully, they never had to explain it to anyone and the whispers quieted when their confusion settled into acceptance.

And now, Jim and Spock had the moments in between, which were filled with gentle grazes, warm hands and dark, intelligent eyes. There was Jim's expansive mind, his easy, irresistible humor and constant challenges. There was their connection, minds and souls, a most welcome anchor in the unexplored corners of space.


End file.
